winged words

I wish this was my song. Every time I listen to it.

I wish you could see me now I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was Used to be mad at you A little on the hurt side too But I'm not who I was Found my way around To forgiving you, some time ago But I never got to tell you... so I found us in a photograph Saw me and I had to laugh You know, I'm not who I was There you were right above me And I wonder if you ever loved me Just for who I was When the pain came back again Like a bitter friend It was all that I could do To keep myself from blaming you... ooh Thinking it's a funny thing Figured out I can sing Now I'm not who I was I write about love and such Maybe because I want it so much I'm not who I was I was thinkin' maybe I Should let you know That I am not the same But I never did forget your name... hello Na na na na na na, na na na na na But the thing I find most amazing About amazing grace Is the chance to give it out Maybe that's what love is all about I wish you could see me now I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was (Brandon Heath, Don't Get Comfortable) (listen to it here ["I'm Not Who I Was"] - pretty awesome)

I mean, in the sense that it is true. "Found my way around to forgiving you, some time ago, but never got to tell you so..."

Part of what freaked me out about joining Facebook was coming across those people again... people who, when I see their profile picture, a flood of hate and fear still comes over me. I've decided a few of them are okay, at least enough to "friend" - with time comes perspective. But I wish I could sing that... but I don't think I can. I'm fairly certain that if I saw one guy again, I'd punch him in the face.

But that's the amazing thing: "But the thing I find most amazing about amazing grace / is the chance to give it out / Maybe that's what love is all about"... Even though he's not a Christian, the guy I danced around dating taught me more about God's own perspective towards me than anything I've seen in a while. When someone loves you, they give you grace where you're at - which from God, comes for no reason that makes any earthly sense at all. And that's what we're asked to model. ...

I do wish I could tell them: I'm not who I was. And I want to forgive you - but that would mean seeing you again, talking to you - and I don't think I can do that. But I wish you well, really. I wasn't the angel I thought I was. Forgive me for being cold to you.

And now that I think of it, maybe that's what the 'unsent letters' community is for. I have a feeling I have a few of them to write.